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Peeing in the flowers

Published first time  120825

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,  “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really?  Darn it!” said the little old lady.  “I’d better go back and see if I can find them.

Thanks for telling me officer.”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.? Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.  A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off.

Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it?  So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.  Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,

I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,

what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody  pays.”

 A great contribution from Anders in Viken

Golf and age

Published first time 20110502

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,

‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well,’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’

‘Who said my Dad’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

A contribution from Paul ( the golfer)  from Provence