Kategoriarkiv: 1 English stuff

Golf and age

Published first time 20110502

An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,

‘How do you stay in such great physical condition?’

I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’

‘Well,’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?’

‘Who said my Dad’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s still alive. How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Italian golfer. ‘In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’

‘No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old man want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

A contribution from Paul ( the golfer)  from Provence


Published 1st time  2011

You gotta love him!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully…If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2
cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!! SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,…. I’ve already got a fuckin’ cat!!!

A nice contribution from Paul in Provence

Two ladies in heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st  woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd  woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st  woman: I froze to death.

2nd  woman: How horrible!

1st  woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd  woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st  woman: So, what happened?

2nd  woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st  woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.   …  🙂


Two italians on a bus ¤¤¤


A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more,
‘You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,’ she retorted
indignantly. ‘In this country. we don’t speak aloud in Public places
about our sex lives.
‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’
abouta sex?  I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘
Mississippi ‘.’

$50 says you’re gonna read this again.

More Italian stuff

Missing bucks…

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million
bucks from him.

The bookkeeper is deaf. It was the reason he got the job in the first
place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to
hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court. When the
Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million
bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the $10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10
million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re
talking about.”

That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the underling: “He’ll kill you for sure if you
don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back: “Ok! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in

The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”



If you dont know the difference between guts and balls