Kategoriarkiv: 1 English stuff

Two ladies in heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st  woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd  woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?

1st  woman: I froze to death.

2nd  woman: How horrible!

1st  woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd  woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st  woman: So, what happened?

2nd  woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st  woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.   …  🙂

 

Two italians on a bus ¤¤¤

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
”Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

The lady can’t take this any more,
‘You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,’ she retorted
indignantly. ‘In this country. we don’t speak aloud in Public places
about our sex lives.
‘Hey, coola down lady,’ said the man. ‘Who talkin’
abouta sex?  I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘
Mississippi ‘.’

$50 says you’re gonna read this again.

More Italian stuff

Missing bucks…

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen ten million
bucks from him.

The bookkeeper is deaf. It was the reason he got the job in the first
place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to
hear anything that he’d ever have to testify about in court. When the
Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million
bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: ”Where is the $10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10
million bucks is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: ”I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: ”He says he doesn’t know what you’re
talking about.”

That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper’s temple, cocks it, and says: ”Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the underling: ”He’ll kill you for sure if you
don’t tell him!”

The bookkeeper signs back: ”Ok! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in
Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney: ”Well, what’d he say?”

The attorney replies: ”He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

 

Bonus

If you dont know the difference between guts and balls

Death of the Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings,


”Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”


”Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

”Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead”.

”My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

”Si, Señor, that’s the one.””Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

What did he die from?”

”From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy.”

”Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

”Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.””Dead horse?

What dead horse?”

”The thoroughbred, Señor Roy.”

”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

”Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

”Are you insane? What water cart?”

”The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

”Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

”The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

”What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

”Yes, Señor Roy.”

”But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

”For the funeral, Señor Roy.”

”WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

”Your wife’s, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20  204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………..

LONG SILENCE………

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

”Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit.”

A contribution from the golfer Paul i Provence

 

 

Grannies on the road

Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

He thinks to himself, ”This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, ”Officer, I don’t understand.
I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?”

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

”But before you go, Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK?
These women seem awfully shaken.”

”Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, officer, we just got off Route 127.”

From Olemand 2014