Etikettarkiv: Golf

Golfing accident

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me, she told him.

‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb’s broken!

A contribution from Hans the footdoc

Death of the Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings,


“Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”


“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead”.

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”

“Si, Señor, that’s the one.”“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.

What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”“Dead horse?

What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Roy.”

“My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

“Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!”

“Yes, Señor Roy.”

“But there’s electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Roy.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”

“Your wife’s, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20  204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft.”

SILENCE………..

LONG SILENCE………

VERY LONG SILENCE…………

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep shit.”

A contribution from the golfer Paul i Provence

 

 

The importance of golf

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting inthe seat next to him.
“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven’t been to together since we got married.”

“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t
find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”

The man shakes his head…
….”No. They’re all at the funeral.
A contribution from Paul in Provence

For golfers and drinkers

Origin Paul in Provence

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, “Most probably, but it’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!”

golfer

The wealthy golfer ¤¤¤

Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob’s arm and
listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

They corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade
her to marry you?”

Bob says, “I lied about my age.”

His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were
only 50?”

Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

From Oles Archive…