A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting inthe seat next to him.
”No”, he says, ”the seat is empty.”
”This is incredible!” said the man, ”who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?”
He says, ”Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife always would come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
”Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t
find someone else?.. a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head…
….”No. They’re all at the funeral.
A contribution from Paul in Provence
Origin Paul in Provence
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
”No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
”Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
”Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. ”I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
”Well,” said the man, ”I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. ”Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, ”Most probably, but it’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!”
Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her
youthful sex appeal and charm who hangs over Bob’s arm and
listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
They corner him and ask, ”Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, ”Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. ”So, how’d you persuade
her to marry you?”
Bob says, ”I lied about my age.”
His friends respond, ”What do you mean? Did you tell her you were
Bob smiles and says, ”No, I told her I was 90.”
From Oles Archive…
A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples’ alternate shot tournament at his club
He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife ”Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.”
The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said ”That’s OK, Sweetheart”
and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position..
He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole.He told his wife to knock the ball in.
His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.
Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said,
”Honey, that was a bogey five, and that’s OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole”
To which she replied, ”Listen asshole, don’t bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine.”
A nice contribution from Paul in Provence