Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2006
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spendig the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”. She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” – “Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
A contribution from Lawrence (not from Arabia)
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
“Would you look at that!” says the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?”
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!”
They continue drinking their stout and roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman. “One of the girls must have died.”
A Contribution from Anders in Viken
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealer and players stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY –
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men…are men.
Another goody from Lawrence ( not from Arabia..)