1 English stuff

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How to make a woman happy….

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:

1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynaecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45.. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

.

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HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1.. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

A contribution from Olemand

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Man Vs Woman Debate

Woman:
Do  you drink beer?

Man:Yes

Woman:
How many beers a  day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do  you pay per beer?

Man:

$5.00 which includes a  tip

( This is where it gets scary ! )

Woman:
And  how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I  suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day  which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be  approximately $5400
…correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year  you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts  your spending at $108,000,  correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that  if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a  step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound  interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a  Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink  beer?

Woman:
No…

Man:
So….. where’s YOUR fucking Ferrari?

A contribution from Olemand

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50 år senare

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS OF YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN’T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL……YOU’LL LOVE THIS ONE!


MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

’YES, YES I DID. I’M A MORGANNER! ’HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

’WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?’ I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

’YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!’ I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..


’WHAT DIDYOU TEACH?’

A nice contribution from Paul in Provence

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Letter from the daughter

A  father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.

But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Dad, found the cash you were hiding from mum, but don’t worry we left you a few quid.

Your loving daughter,

Angelina.

 

P.S.  Dad. For God’s sake calm down.

It’s not true.

I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours.

I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.

A contribution from Hans the footdoc