2 JOKES

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An Atheist in the Woods

AN ATHEIST IN THE WOODS

An atheist was walking through the woods.

’What majestic trees!   ’What powerful rivers!  ’What beautiful animals!  He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river,he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him..

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.

He tripped & fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right
paw to strike him…

 

At that instant the Atheist cried out,  

’Oh my God!’

Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

’You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.’

’Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light,

’It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian’?

’Very well,’ said the voice..

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

 

’Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.

Reminded of by Paul i Provence

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Dog behaviour ¤¤¤

My dog

My dog sleeps about 18 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Veterinarian once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this He pays nothing and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free

 He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, my dog is a Democrat!

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Hemlighusens oskrivna poesi

 

 

” HEMLIGHUSENS OSKRIVNA POESI”

Okänd poet

Du dass, du dass , du hemlighus

dig ägnar jag min sång

Du lätta kan min börda

uti en värld så vrång

Här lyssnar jag på suset från flugor,björk
och al

här sitter jag på huset och skriver pekoral

 

Välkomna hit, sitt ned och skit

att lätta livets bördor

Om du är frisk och sund

sitt blott en liten stund

Men har du ont i magen

så sitt här hela dagen

 

 citat ur brev från Gustav Fröding  till Selma Lagerlöf 

På dasset jag satt och läste ert brev

ju mera jag läste ju mera det drev

Då marken var frusen ock ej fanns ett löv

då passa ert brev att torka min röv

jag skiter i rykte ,ära och namn

jag skiter i guld och pengar

jag skiter i damernas svällande barm

jag skiter i deras sängar

jag skiter i Boren, Roxen och Glan

jag skiter i påve, kung och sultan

jag skiter i farbror om jag inte får pengar

jag skiter i varmt jag skiter i kallt

jag skiter  ta mej fan i allt

( Gustaf Fröding i brev till Selma Lagerlöf
för hennes starka kritik mot Gustafs ”En morgondröm” )

 Gammaldassens vänner

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ONIONS AND CHRISTMASTREES

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.. The son asks his father, ’Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, ’Well, son, there are three kinds of
Boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50,
they are like onions’.

’Onions?’

’Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

’Mum, how many kinds of ’willies’ are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ’Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.

After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’

’A Christmas tree?’

’Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration

A contribution from Anders in Viken