2 JOKES

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A SAD STORY

A man received the following text message from his neighbour:
”I am so sorry, Bob.
I’m riddled with guilt and I have to confess.  I have been into your wife, day and night when you’re not around.
In fact, more than you.  I’m not getting it at home, but that’s no excuse.
I should not have taken advantage like this and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
”Damned autocorrect.  I meant ’wifi’  not ’wife.’ 
A contribution  Paul  in Provence
”Puter” terminology
autocorrect=setting inWords ( Microsoft who else??…) which corrects misspellings automatically
wifi=wireless network  to get into with your computer to connect with internet
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The deaf wife problem

Bob feared his wife Peg wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

’Here’s what you do,’ said the Doctor, ’stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.’

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, ’I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.’ Then in a normal tone he asks, ’Honey, what’s for dinner?’

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, ’Peg, what’s for dinner?’

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, ’Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. ’Honey, what’s for dinner?’

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. ’Peg, what’s for dinner?’

(I just love this…………..)

’For God’s sake, Bob, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!’

A nice contribution fromPaul in Provence

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Its hell to be old

oldy

OLD people have problems that you haven’t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ’Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.’

The next day the 85-year-old man re-appeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ’Well, doc, it’s like this — first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

’Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

’We even called up Arleen, the lady next door And she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’

The doctor was shocked!

’You asked your neighbor?’ 

he old man replied,
’Yep, none of us could get the jar open!’

A contribution from Paul in Provence

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Man Vs Woman Debate

Woman:
Do  you drink beer?

Man:Yes

Woman:
How many beers a  day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do  you pay per beer?

Man:

$5.00 which includes a  tip

( This is where it gets scary ! )

Woman:
And  how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I  suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day  which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be  approximately $5400
…correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year  you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts  your spending at $108,000,  correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that  if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a  step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound  interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a  Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink  beer?

Woman:
No…

Man:
So….. where’s YOUR fucking Ferrari?

A contribution from Olemand