2 JOKES

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Italian confession ¤¤¤

A man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession.  
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

”Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: ”That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

”There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors.  This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”

The priest said, ”That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

”Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind.  I do have one more question.”

 ”And what is that?” asked the priest.

”Should I tell her the war is over?”

A contribution from TordJörgen Linkoping

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Know your customers…¤¤¤

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked:  ”Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained
”When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster:  The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place

”Then that should have worked!” said the friend.

”The hell it should had!? said the salesman.  didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”

A contribution from my brother Lars

Link     agert.homelinux.org/WorldPress/know-your-customers/

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Japanese doc ¤¤¤

Q:  Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life.  Is this true?
A: Heart  only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste  on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.   Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like  saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?
A:  Oh  no.  Wine made from fruit.  Fruit very good. Brandy distilled  wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you  get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made  of grain.  Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if  you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to  one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to  one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of  participating in a regular exercise  program?
A: Can’t think of one,  sorry.  My philosophy: No  pain…good!

Q:   Aren’t fried foods bad for  you?
A:  YOU NOT  LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How  getting more vegetable be  bad?

Q  :  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A:  Oh no!   When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You  should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach.

Q:  Is chocolate bad  for me?
A:  You crazy?!?   HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another  vegetable!  It best feel-good food  around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your  figure?
A:  If swimming good for  figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is  getting in shape important for my  lifestyle?
A:  Hey!   ’Round’ is shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared  up any misconceptions you may have had about food and  diets.

And  remember:
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention  of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one  hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming ”WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!”

AND…..

For   those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final  word on nutrition and health.  It’s a relief to  know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.

1. The Japanese  eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer  heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians  drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Brits.

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Brits.

CONCLUSION:  Eat  and drink what you  like.   Speaking English is  apparently what kills you.

From a Dane….speaking English… Olemand

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Getting married ¤¤¤

Jack, age 92, and Gill , age 89, living in Auckland, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:

”Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, ”Yes.”

 

Jack: ”We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: ”Of course we do.”

 

Jack: ”How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: ”All kinds ”

 

Jack: ”Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: ”Definitely.”

 

Jack: ”How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: ”You bet!”

 

Jack: ”Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: ”Yes, a large variety. The works..”

 

Jack: ”What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: ”Absolutely..”

 

Jack: ”Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: ”We sure do…”

 

Jack: ”You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: ”All speeds and sizes.”

 

Jack: ”Adult incontinence pants?”

Pharmacist: ”Sure.”

 

Jack: ”Then we’d like to use this store for our wedding presents list…”

Another Provence contribution from Paul