2 JOKES

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Golfjoke ¤¤¤

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. ”I used some 
 horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

 When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

 Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was 
 going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging 
 over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only 
 about 100 yards.

 ”Is that when you swore?”

 ”No, Mother,” says the nun. ”After that, a squirrel ran out of the 
 bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

 
 ”Is THAT when you swore?” asked the Mother Superior again.

 ”Well, no.” says the nun. ”You see, as the squirrel was running, an 
 eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began
to fly away!”

 ”Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed elder nun.

 ”No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it 
 flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

 ”Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

 ”No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

 The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and 
 said, ”You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

a contribution from Paul in Provence

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Logical old people ¤¤¤

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics’ shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem, how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ’Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’

The farmer said, ’Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot.’

The old lady suggested, ’Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?’

’Why, thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he said ’Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.’

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, ’I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’

The farmer said, ’Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ’Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.

Another Paul-contribution

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Så det kan gå….

Det var en kille som fredag eftermiddag jobbat klart för veckan. Han slutade jobbet åtta på kvällen, så han var bra hungrig. Han gick på restaurang och tog en middag och ett par öl.

Efter middagen tog han ett par drinkar och ett par whisky. Det hade varit en tuff vecka, så han tog en kaffe och cognac också. Och ett par gin & tonics och lite till.

Sen skulle han gå hem till sin fru. Men benen bar honom inte. Han föll som en fura. Han försökte ta sig upp, men det gick inte.

– ”Fan också, jag får väl krypa ut då, och försöka ta mig upp där ute. Att jag kunde bli så full”, tänkte killen.Han ålade sig ut, men utanför gick det inte bättre. Benen bar honom inte. Det var lögn i helvete att kunna ställa sig upp.

-”Jag får väl krypa hem då”, tänkte killen.
-”Trots allt är det ju inte så långt”.

Drygt två timmar senare var killen äntligen hemma. Han drog sig upp i handtaget till ytterdörren och låste upp. Han ramlade in. Frun sov, tack och lov, och killen ålade sig in i badrummet, fixade till sig så gott han kunde och kröp in i sovrummet, upp i sängen och somnade som en stock.


Morgonen efter väckte frun honom:

– ”God morgon. Var du ute och söp i går?”

– ”Nej, nej! Jag åt mat och tog några pilsner bara. Varför tror du det?” frågade killen.

– ”Nja, de ringde från restaurangen och sa att du glömt kvar din rullstol…”

Från Fredrik i Sandby

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Begging in the streets of Rome ¤¤¤

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, ”My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross.
In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said,

”Moshe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

A contribution from my friend Bent in Roskilde Denmark