2 JOKES

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Bob Hope in heaven

 

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents and thanks for the memories. 

 

I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART. This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference.


ON TURNING 70
’I still chase women, but only downhill.’

ON TURNING 80
’That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.’

ON TURNING 90
’You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.’

ON TURNING 100
’I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.’

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
’I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.’

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
’Welcome to the Academy Awards, or, as it’s called at my home, ’Passover.’

ON GOLF
’Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.’

ON PRESIDENTS
’I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six.’

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR

HIS CAREER
’When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.’


ON RECEIVING THE

CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
’I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.’

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY
’Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.’

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
’That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.’

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
’I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.’

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
’I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.’

 

 

Give me a sense of humor Lord, give me the grace to see a joke, 

to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folk. 

 

To the person receiving this, the grace to pass it on to others. 

A nice contribution from Åke the travelling doc 

 

 

 

 

 

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

ANGER MANAGEMENT
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband’s temper The Doctor asks: “What’s the problem?”
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 The woman says: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.  Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.  It scares me.”
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 The Doctor says: “I have a cure for that.  When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.”
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 Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water.
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 I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!  How does a glass of water do that?”
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 The Doctor says: ”The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!”
A nice contribution from Paul from Provence 
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A Blonde Joke

An old, blind cowboy wandered into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He found his way to a barstool and ordered a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yelled to the bartender, ”Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately fell absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him said, “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a six-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

The blind cowboy thought for a second, shook his head and muttered, ”Well no! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

A nice contribution from Paul in Provence