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GOOD MORNING ¤¤¤

On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in Essex were watching Breakfast TV.
The presenter said, ”We are going to have 10cms of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through”.

So the good wife went out and parked her car as instructed.

A week later while they were watching TV again, the presenter said, ”We are expecting 15cms of snow today. This time you must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.
The good wife went out and parked her car accordingly.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the TV forecaster says, ”We are expecting at least 20cms of snow today. You must park…………..” Then the power went off.
The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, ”I don’t know what to do!
Which side of the street do I need to park on today so the snow ploughs can get through?”Then, with all the love and understanding that is a necessity for any man married to an Essex blonde, the husband replied ”Why don’t you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?”
A nice contribution from Paul in Provence
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American history ¤¤¤

The teacher said, ”Let’s begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said ’Give me Liberty , or give me Death’?”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright
foreign exchange student
from Japan , who had his hand up: ’Patrick Henry, 1775’, he said.

’Very good!’

Who said, ’Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?’

Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: ’Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.

’Excellent!’ said the teacher continuing, ’let’s try one a bit more
difficult…’

Who said, ’Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country?’

Once again, Hodaiki’s was the only hand in the air and he said: ’John
F. Kennedy, 1961’.

The teacher snapped at the class, ’Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Hodaiki isn’t from this country and he knows more about our
history than you do.’

She heard a loud whisper: ‘F . . . k the Japs,’

’Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.

Little Hodaiki put his hand up, ’General MacArthur, 1945.’

At that point, a student in the back said, ’I’m gonna puke.’

The teacher glared around and asks, ’All right! Now who said that!?’

Again, Little Hodaiki said, ’George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’

Now furious, another student yelled, ’Oh yeah? Suck this!’

Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher,
’Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky 1997!’

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ’You little shit.
If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’

Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice,
”Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.’

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said,
“Oh shit, we’re fucked!”

Little Hodaiki said quietly, “Bob Diamond, Barclays Bank, 2012.”

A contribution from TordJöran first published sep 30 2012


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More aviation ¤¤¤

1) The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin.

Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”

She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

2) A plane was taking off from New York Airport. After it reached a cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Economy said, That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

3) This girl was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of her blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. She was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean up.

Her announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They’ve closed the airport while they clean up what’s left of the last airplane that landed there.

A contribution from Jörgen M61