1) The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin.

Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”

She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”

2) A plane was taking off from New York Airport. After it reached a cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 123, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!” A passenger in Economy said, That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

3) This girl was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of her blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. She was asked to hold while the trucks came out to clean up.

Her announcement: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They’ve closed the airport while they clean up what’s left of the last airplane that landed there.

A contribution from Jörgen M61