golfer

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Jokes for golfers ¤¤¤

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says,
”Joe, we both loved golf all our lives, and we played golf on Saturdays together
for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow
you must let me know if there’s golf there.”

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,” Mike, you’ve been my best friend for
many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a
blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
”Mike–Mike. ”
”Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. ”Who is it?”
”Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
”You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
”I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
”Joe! Where are you?”

”In heaven”, replies Joe. ”I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
”Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
”The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our
old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all,
we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired.”

That’s fantastic,” says Mike. ”It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?
”You’ve been booked to play this Saturday.”

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The Wise golfer

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, ”If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”

”No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.

”Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.

”Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. ”I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”

”Well,” said the man, ”I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”

The homeless man was astounded. ”Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing this?”

The man replied, ”That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”

A contribution from Paul in Provence

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Old golfer ¤¤¤

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, ”I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The  girl says, ”I’ll go first.”  She  walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, ”I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, ”Can you top that?”

The tough old golfer replies,

”No problem, just get that lion out of there.”