1 English stuff

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The hotelbill

An old lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 85th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel. 

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $450. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.  It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth $450 for just an overnight stay!  I didn’t even have breakfast.”

The clerk told her that $450 is the ’standard rate,’ so she insisted on speaking to the manager.

The manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, informed the woman:
”This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

”But I didn’t use them,” she said.
”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
”We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” manager said.

”But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

”Well, we have them, and you could have,” the manager replied.

No matter what amenity the manager mentioned, she replied,

”But I didn’t use it!” and the manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, with the manager unmoved, she decided to pay; she wrote a check and gave it to him.

The manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
”But madam, this check is for only $50.”

”That’s correct. I charged you $400 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

”But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised manager.
”Well, too bad. I was here and you could have.”

Don’t mess with Senior Citizens!

A nice contribution from Paul in Provence

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Sex Frogs for Sale, Only 10$ each

A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs for Sale! Only $10 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions!

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s looking and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Please follow the instructions carefully.”

The blonde nods in agreement, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them very carefully, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into some sexy lingerie.
4. Get into bed and position the frog in place.

The blonde quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise and disappointment, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So she calls the pet store.

The pet store owner says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”

The pet store owner, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”

A contribution from freddan_6
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The Blonde cop

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can’t find it.

She says to the cop, ”I must have left it at home officer.”

The cop says, ”Well, do you have any kind of identification?”.

The motorist scuffles around in her purse, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, ”All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, ”Ok Let me see it, then. So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, she looks at it, and replies,

”Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You can go now.”

Contribution KlasJ M61