Etikettarkiv: Jesus

Å herre Jesus….Jesus ser dig…!

Publicerad första gången 2011

JESUS SER DIG

En tjuv bröt sig in  i ett hus en natt.
Tjuven lät ljuset från ficklampan lysa runt för att se om det fanns några värdesaker där, när en röst sade:”Jesus vet att du är här
Han hoppade nästan ur sitt skinn, släckte ficklampan och stod alldeles stilla
När han inte hörde mer ljud, han skakade på huvudet och fortsatte leta efter värdesaker.

Precis när han plockade ut stereon för att ta bort sladdarna hördes en klar stämma igen:
Jesus tittar på dig
Han stelnade till och lyste runt i rummet för att lokalisera var ljudet kom från.
Slutligen, i hörnet av rummet, fick han syn på en papegoja.

Var det du som pratade, frågade han papegojan?
Yep” sa papegojan, ”jag  försökte bara varna dig, för han kollar dig nu
Tjuven slappnade av. ”Varna mig, va. Vem i hela världen är du?”

Moses”, sa pappegojan.
Moses?” skrattade tjuven. “Vem I hela världen skulle ge namnet Moses till en fågel?”

Det är samma människor som döpte  Rottweilern  till Jesus.”

Bidrag från Norman 2011

Pollution ¤¤¤

Jesus and Saint Paul
Jesus and Saint Paul are sitting in Heaven, talking
about the pollution on Earth and wondering what can
be done about mankind’s filthy ways.

Jesus says he’s
going to pop down to Durban to see the situation
for himself, and Paul agrees to join him.

When they get there, Jesus asks what the huge metal
pipe is for. Paul tells him it’s used to take human
waste out to sea where the muck kills dolphins, so
Jesus decides to take action and strides across the
waves.

Walking alongside, Paul is soon knee-deep in filthy
water, while Jesus scoots along on top of the sea.
Ever hopeful of some help he slogs on, and Jesus
keeps walking on water… but soon the water is up
to Paul’s chin.

”Master,” he calls, ”I will follow you anywhere, but
I’m up to my neck in shitty water and I think I’m
going to drown.”

At this Jesus stops walking and looks at Paul.
”Well,” he says, ”why don’t you just walk on the
pipe like me, you silly prick?”

Jesus had a sence of humour ¤¤¤

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn’t get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father’s business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But also 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.

But not finished yet 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food. 

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.