More at xkcd.com by Gunilla D S59
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values
.Bill said, ’I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Larry replied, ’I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: ’Dad, where did my Intelligence come from?’
The father replied. ’Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, Cause I still have mine.
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’Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’
the divorce Court Judge said, ’And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,
”That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ’And every now and Then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,Took the husband aside, and said
’I don’t like the looks of your wife At all.
”Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ’But she’s a great cook and really Good with the kids.
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has Been living with for the last 40 years
.The Wizard says, ’Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words That were used to put the curse on you
.’The old man says without hesitation, ’I now pronounce you man and wife.’
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ’Can you tell me how long it’ll Take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ’Just a minute.’
’Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display Of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s Advice
.’What do you think?’ I asked.
’Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?
’ ’Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ’You’d never get it all in one
.’He’s still in intensive care
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied byEven more thunder rumbling in the distance…
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ’Well, she’s There.’
A contribution from Ole
A man and his dog were walking along a road.
The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.
He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble.. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, ’Excuse me, where are we?’
’This is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.
’Wow! Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
’Of course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.
’ The man gestured, and the gate began to open. ’Can my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ’come in, too?’ the traveler asked.
’I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t accept pets.’
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed.
There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book….
’Excuse me!’ he called to the man. ’Do you have any water?’
’Yeah, sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’
’How about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.
’There should be a bowl by the pump,’ said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
’What do you call this place?’ the traveler asked. ’This is Heaven,’ he answered.
’Well, that’s confusing,’ the traveler said. ’The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.’
’Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’
’Doesn’t it make you mad for them to use your name like that?’
’No, we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.
’ Soooo. Now you see, sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding stuff to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain it.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward emails.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how…. you forward stuff.
A ’forward’ lets you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for.
So, next time if you get a ’forward’, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.